Some random thoughts while sick

These musings today may just come because of the fact that my head's in a little bit different of a place right now; I've been sick/suffering from allergies since last night, and it feels like I just haven't felt like... my usual self today. But what I'm writing tonight is hopefully going to be uplifting, not only for me, but for anyone who ends up reading this.


There are some things that I absolutely love about the gospel, and one of them is that, if we mess up, we always have the chance to try again. And again. And again. And again, and again, and again until we eventually, hopefully, get it right. I know that my life right now isn't near where I thought it'd be a few years ago. By the time I turned 25 I thought I'd already be done with school; I thought I'd have a job in a field that I'm actually interested in making into a career; I thought I would be married, or at the very least in a relationship heading in that direction. A lot of the things that I thought I'd have achieved by now I haven't reached mostly due to the fact that I have messed up. There were some things that were out of my control, yes, but a lot of it is my own fault – procrastination, miscommunication, just bad choices, etc. And while it's not the end of the world, it's not been the best of times for me. Compared with most friends who are my age I have a lot of catching up to do with life.

Today especially was simply not the best of days for me. I left my first job a little early and had someone cover for my other job because I'm feeling sick (and strangely sore in my back – I say strangely because I have no idea what would have caused it to be sore the way it is). I've been worrying about bills and loans to pay off, trying to make some concrete plans for my future, and it's difficult to predict a timeline where I'm financially comfortable. Certain memories from my past still haunt me, still bother me more than they should. A lot of the social events that I have planned over the next couple months are weddings of other friends, which, while I'm incredibly happy for my friends for taking that step forward, reminds me of my own singleness and how far I am from a relationship of my own.

One of the nice things about my life lately, and one of the other things that I love about the gospel, is that I've had a lot more time to visit the temple. And with the temple comes not only the opportunity to serve, but to leave behind, for a little while, all the stresses and cares of the world. It's a place while I can always find peace and relaxation. And I don't mean to say that it's me trying to escape from my problems; it's been more that I've been able to take a break and refocus on what matters most. Regardless of what I end up doing there, just being there gets me to feel better. It helps me feel solitude when the thoughts in my head are rushing around and bringing me down.

I don't know if I've ever talked about the background I've been using for this blog. I found it a long, long time ago, back when I first made the blog (so a few years ago?) and I chose it for a very specific reason. It's not because it's "artsy", or "stylish". (I mean, it kinda is, but it's not the point.) If you notice, it's a mostly white background, but there are a lot of black splotches at the top that fade as you go down the page. I chose the background because I felt like it accurately portrays how I try to write these posts: while I may start off with some scatterbrained thoughts and topics, and it all just seems like a big mess, as you go farther down along the post things start to clear up a bit and make more sense. It's cleaner, and more enjoyable. And by the end, well, the messy, erratic nature that it may have had in the beginning is barely noticeable, and what you're left with is the post in the middle that you've finished reading, which would be the point I'm trying to get at for that post.

Going to the temple has the same effect for me. Many a day has come where my thoughts, which in the ideal situation would be under control and sensical, just bombard me with things that I either don't want to think about or just have a hard time managing at all. And it's hard for me! I hate it! A lot of the time I want to shut down and be completely unproductive, maybe watch a movie, play some video game that really doesn't matter in the long run, because then my mind gets to avoid all the issues. But if I manage to make the choice – because it isn't always an easy choice – to go to this place of refuge, turn myself off from the outside world physically for a couple hours, then spiritually I can concentrate. I can sort out those things in my head that are bugging me, make plans that are necessary, forget about and erase those unnecessary thoughts that are only there to bring me down. While the issues are still there, after a while in the temple they're much more manageable.

I will always be grateful for temples and the peace they bring to me. Because a lot of the time... I need it. And I get it.