For years, I've had trouble going to sleep at a decent hour. Tonight is no exception. (I'm starting this at 2:15 AM local time, Wednesday morning, and who knows when I'll finish.) Many a time it's because there's one last thing that I feel like I need to take care of. Sometimes it's because I slept during the day, thereby causing myself to not actually be tired once night comes around. Once in a while it's because I drink something caffeinated, or some
chimarrão (that maté stuff found in Brazil). Pretty much every time, though, no matter what it is that originally makes me stay awake, my thoughts start flying. And then swooping around, coming back and landing on a singular subject. Once they get to that subject, they start revving up again, speeding down the runway and taking off once more.
A few people who I've talked to over the years know what I'm talking about. I don't actually like to talk explicitly
about it because of its nature, and because of certain events that have happened because of it. I hate to be a tease about this, but I won't be talking about it in this post, explaining what this problem of mine is. Suffice it to say for now that it's been an issue in my life for almost a decade. It's something I think about nearly every day, most often at night, when I'm alone, and all the thoughts I have turn to this issue. Why it happens. How I can solve it.
If I can solve it. How to bury it, once and for all.
If I can bury it.
I need to bury this part of me, get rid of it, extract it from my life and be done with it forever... I think. There are two major ways to solve this issue, one that has a seemingly happy ending (from where I currently stand) and another which will end with... well, a not as happy one. Right now the more plausible one is the latter, but part of me wants that happy ending.
And who doesn't want a happy ending, right?
Right?
Part of the issue is that not all of the choices that need to be made rely on me. And it's not like I can go tell the necessary parties involved with this issue to "make up their minds" so that I can finally let this thing go – I can't change people, I can't make up their minds for them. No one can do that for someone else. That's not part of human nature. We all have our agency, our ability to think and act on our own. As kids, yeah, we've got our parents who heavily influence our actions and teach us what to do. But ultimately, we still have that option to do what we want. (I was the victim of many a time-out when growing up, but in retrospect they were all of my own doing.) As adults, we're out here, virtually on our own, and we have even more options than we can count. So many of us do what we always think is best.
For me, my problem is that I'm so heavily torn between certain options that it tears me apart. I don't really show it, I'll admit; talking to me, I'll be pleasant, I'll ask how you're doing, I'll show genuine interest. The reason I do that is because I love to distract myself from my own problems. My own thoughts that haunt me every night. My joy comes from helping others figure out their own lives, because I get to forget about the things that have scarred me over the years. My problems are put aside as I help others, as I do my best to understand what they're going through and be a support for them.
I've always compared it to how I love playing with Legos. Let me explain:
With Legos, whenever you get a new set of them, there's always an instruction booklet that tells you how to "really" put it together. I always do so, usually within the first few minutes of bringing home the set (or if it's a gift, within a few minutes of opening it up from its wrapping). I play with it for a while, admire it, maybe compare it to some other sets I've received over the years (or if I get multiple sets at once, play with them at the same time). And yes, I'm 23 years old and still play with Legos. Not ashamed of it. After a while with the set being put together the way it's "supposed" to be... I take it apart. I mix in other pieces from my collection. I make it cooler, more functional,
better than it was before. I eventually mix it all in with my entire collection so it can do the same for future sets. For those who haven't seen what I've got, it's pretty dang big. They're all sorted by color, or what kind of pieces they are, or if they're meant to be part of a special set, etc. I'd spend hours every week trying to sort them all out, then getting distracted by one or two unique pieces, then going off and building entire castles and armies when I should have been just putting them all away in the first place. My mind would always have these ideas that would be more elaborate, more creative – again, just
better than the ideas before.
Making the analogy relevant: this issue is a Lego set that has about 100,000 pieces. Yeah, that big. And, unlike the "sets" that I deal with when helping others, it's a set all for me. Because of how long I've "had" this "set," I've become intimately familiar with it. I know it well, I know how to put it together to make it the "right" way. I don't necessarily
need the instruction booklet to know how to put it together. I've done it, over and over and over again, even doing it just in my mind. But my problem with this set is that... I don't know what else to do with it. I don't know if it's the kind of set to keep around and admire, making it unique from
all of my other sets in that fashion, or to start treating it like my other sets. Take it all apart, put it together in new ways, add in pieces from past sets, and eventually mix it in with everything else. I mean, I'd
like to do the latter, because that's what I'm used to doing. I've done it time and time again. Why should this set be that much different from the ones I've had in the past?
Again, I've had this set for a long time. And I have yet to do with it what I've done with all the others. It's honestly one of my favorites, and I almost don't want to ruin the fun that is putting just this together.
I think of it as fun when not actually doing it. But have you ever put together a Lego set that has a few hundred pieces? It takes a freaking long time!! I've spent more than a few hours on just one set before, and I don't think I've ever had one that was over 2,000 pieces. (I got a
Harry Potter castle once... that was probably one of the biggest I ever got.) This set, this monstrosity of a set, with the size that it is, I've taken years to get used to putting together and taking apart. I've become attached to it. It is part of me, it is part of who I am, it is what makes me... well, me.
Reminder: the issue isn't an actual Lego set. If it was, I doubt that I'd actually even be writing about it. I'd be able to just take the set apart and move on with my life. And get a new set to fuss over. All of the above is just an analogy (see side picture – I'd be doing that in real life if I were talking) for what my real issue is. I never imagined when I was younger that I'd be using my toys to explain my situation – at least, never in this way – and I certainly never imagined myself to
be in this situation. I don't think anyone would ever expect, hope, or plan to be in this situation. From the perspective of someone who's been in it for a good while now, it isn't fun or enjoyable at this stage. It's more of a burden than anything else. I'm not joking when I say it haunts me sometimes. It's in my daily thoughts, it's in my nightly dreams, it's been an influence for some of the actions and big decisions in my life. And, sadly, it's affected others in ways that haven't ended particularly well, mostly
because of how long it's been an issue for. If I had the chance to go back in time and stop myself from ever starting this issue in the first place, I'm not sure that I would. Because I have learned a lot from it. It's been a painful process, but not one without
any sort of positive outcome. It's brought me occasional rays of sunshine.
Dear reader, thank you for taking the time to read through this. You didn't have to. I don't mean to draw a great amount of attention to myself through this blog; mostly it's a place for me to write, because that's the best way I have to express myself and vent. When talking out loud, I stutter when trying to explain this whole thing. I literally get dizzy from the stress it sometimes causes. If you feel like you'd like to know more about what this issue is, you're welcome to ask me about it in a personal, private conversation. I'll be open and honest, if you're someone who's actually read this far. Just be ready for me to take about an hour to go over it all, because often times the details are what make stories worth hearing.
3:40 AM when finishing this up. Not too bad, especially comparing it to how long it took me to actually publish my last post. I wrote this one almost nonstop, with minor editing here and there. Again, to end on a happier note than the overall tone of this post, here are some random GIFs:
No new movies since the last post. I need to start working on actually watching the ones that I have...
EDIT: I did sleep for a little bit, but I ended up waking up at 6:13. I'd been dreaming about thunderstorms. Go figure.
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