Personal History, Part 2

So I left off with us going back to Danville, California. We moved back there in the summer of 2003. Like all of our previous moves, we did it in the middle of the summer so that we wouldn't have our school year disrupted. Now that we were back in a place we hadn't spent a lot of time in previously, I was getting to really know my friends from before and make a lot of new friendships. I finished middle school there and began my freshman year of high school, so I felt like I was just starting to fit in. But, of course, the call to move came once again through my dad's job. I remember how I felt when he first told me; it was right around the beginning of the school year, and unlike past times that we'd moved, this time it would be right at the end of the calendar year instead of in the summer. This meant leaving school, leaving behind friends, leaving behind a home that I fell in love with – leaving all that in a way I wasn't used to. And I'd already felt like I'd gotten used to change. This just frustrated me.

It took me a while to understand that we're always where we are for a reason. Years, to understand that. Way after the fact that we had moved from Danville, and even after I went to my first year of college. And I know that we didn't move around nearly as much as some military families do. We never lived in poverty – we weren't what most people would define as rich, but we lived comfortably enough for our needs. I don't know what could have happened if we stayed in California that whole time; I know my brother stayed, and he was old enough to make that decision on his own. As a family, though, we moved. And for reasons that I wasn't aware of at the time, it was necessary that we did so. Either because there were people where we were moving to that we needed to help, or people who would help us, or some combination of the two, something that we had to do there – in any case, the reasons existed, and while we may not have known them beforehand we did as my parents felt were best.

December rolled around, and thankfully we stayed there as long as we could before we really had to move. We spent Christmas with some of my cousins in the area, and soon after that we were flying to the midwest. The only time I had got out that way before was when we took a family vacation across the country in an RV, but I was 6 or 7 at the time and I don't remember too much of that trip now. So we landed in St. Louis, and one of the first things we noticed was how flat it was. Having only lived on the west coast, I was always used to mountains or at least hills around me. Even when we took trips to Utah, there were the big mountains there that we drove through and around – here, though, almost seemed like a wasteland at first.
Thankfully that impression of it didn't last long. Yes, geographically there's not much of interest besides maybe the Mississippi River, but I ended up making some great friends pretty quickly there. Within a couple days of us getting there, we were invited to a New Year's party by some people from the ward, and we quickly began to fit in to the city of Edwardsville, Illinois. My dad was working on a big expansion project for the company he was working with; my mom found a bunch of friends around the neighborhood to play tennis with; my younger-older sister Katie (does that description make sense?) got ready to finish high school and move on to BYU; and Sarah, my younger sister, made a bunch of friends in her own grade and joined band.
It still took me a while to figure out my niche at school there. I first thought I might give wrestling a go; I had done it one year in middle school (when we were in Washington, before we moved) and enjoyed it then. But then, midway through the season, one of my English teachers (who also happened to be the main drama club teacher) announced that they were having auditions for Les Misérables. This nearly blew my mind! I'd already seen Les Mis before, listened to the soundtrack multiple times, and loved every minute of it. So, while the wrestling season came to a close, I tried out and ended up getting a part in the musical. To this day I still remember the parts I played: Constable #2 (one of the men who drags Jean Valjean back to the Bishop) and Courfeyrac (a student who dies along with all the others at the barricade). There, I finally felt like I belonged. From that point on, I participated in pretty much every production that the high school did until I graduated: Children of Eden, Beauty and the Beast, On the Razzle (a comedy, taken from the same play that Hello Dolly is based on) and The Wiz. I loved every minute of it, and clearly remember the friendships I made there.
I participated a bit with band and choir as well, and only have good memories of my time in Illinois. Here's just a picture montage of... well, everything from there:

Some of my friends posing during a literary fair. The whole idea was that we had to do something related to British culture, so they played Beatles music the whole time.

During a "Mormon Prom" – some guys did a mini glowstick show, and I was lucky enough to capture this

Senior Prom, pretty much all of the students from French 4, with our teacher on the far left.

This is one of the things I'm most proud of: I built this chair as the Beast's throne for Beauty and the Beast my junior year.

All of the Thespians from drama club, close to graduation.

This was while I was working in a movie theater... If I remember correctly, he was just up there to change a light, but probably spent more time up there than he should.

House party! There were probably four times this many people actually in the house at the time; we were all celebrating the performances of Beauty and the Beast.

I apologize for the poor quality for some of these photos. I wasn't super experienced with a digital camera at the time, and while I'm not a pro at it now I definitely know how to take better pictures.



Part 3 will be up later this week, and I'll probably cover from the time I graduated high school up until about now.

Personal History, Part 1

(started this last night)
Well, looks like insomnia has struck again. I've been thinking that I need to be a lot more consistent with this anyway, so I might as well take care of this now while I'm awake.

A lot of the time, when people ask me where I'm from, I never have a straight answer, and that's mostly because there isn't one. You see, my dad worked for a gas company as a project manager since before I was born, and the family's location was based on where he was needed for work. So I've got a few places I could call "home," but it's always been difficult to choose just one. I'll get to the whole moving around thing in a little bit, though; first, let me actually talk about my family.

Family pic from a couple years ago: Me in brown, Claire in white, Dad in black, Chris in green, Mom in white, Lindsay in yellow, Caleb in gray, Joe in blue, Katie in purple/black, and Sarah in purple/white. Evalyn was on the way at the time.

My parents met at Brigham Young University, some time after my dad had returned from his mission for the LDS church in France. He was a convert to the church, and had already moved around a couple times himself, whereas my mom had generations of ancestors in the Church. One of our more notable ancestors through her is Ebenezer Beesley, composer of the music for such hymns as High on the Mountain Top and 'Tis Sweet to Sing the Matchless Love. The musical gene seems to have been passed down to some in the family since then. My mom is pretty dang awesome at piano, as are some of my siblings, and I've got a sister who rocks the flute and was a drum major in marching band her senior year of high school. Myself? I play some basic piano, basic guitar, and love alto sax. Also, music-based video games seem to come fairly easy to me.

There are five kids in my family. There would have been six, but none of us were fortunate enough to meet our oldest sibling. Amy Elizabeth Bowerman passed away before she was born, and we visit her grave every so often in southern California. I know I'll meet her one day, so the thought of not knowing her in this life doesn't distress me all that much.
Chris, my only brother, currently lives in Murray, UT, and is a computer whiz. Then comes Lindsay, who graduated from BYU-I a while ago in graphic design and lives close to my parents in Lehi, UT. (Or Highland? The city boundaries up there always confuse me.) Then comes Katie, who is currently stationed in California while her husband Joe does work with the Navy there. They have three kids so far: Claire, Caleb, and Evalyn. Two years after Katie was born, I came along, and three and a half years after that came Sarah, the last of us. She's currently serving a mission in Houston, Texas, and has about a year left before she comes back home. My mom (Lisa) and dad (Rich) are now retired, and living in a house they built in Alpine, just about half an hour north of where I'm at now.
We've had a few pets over the years, including a guinea pig named Nala (mostly under Katie's care), an assortment of saltwater fish (one of my dad's hobbies, and I helped take care of them for a number of years as well), and I have vague memories of a dog named Jake when I was pretty young. I believe he was an Akita... again, not many memories of him. The pet I do remember most was a black and white Shih Tzu we appropriately named Oreo Noel Bowerman - "Oreo" because of the coloring, and "Noel" because she was one of Santa's Christmas presents when I was 6 or 7 years old. We had her for a long time, and only from old age and some basic necessary functions not working in her later years did we have to put her down a while ago. She was just awesome, though, and loyal as any pet could be. One noticeable trait was that she was incredibly protective; regardless of the size of neighboring dogs (including a German Shepherd at one point), she would bark like crazy and make sure they knew where her territory was.

She loved opening presents as much as anyone else in the family. No lie, wrapping paper was her favorite!

Location, location, location... I remember starting out in southern California. Supposedly I was born in Santa Maria, CA, but because we moved away from there when I was still an infant I have no memories of it. I know we've driven by there as a family on vacations and what not, and even had our old house pointed out to me. Never rang any bells. Oh well.
The first place I really remember is Orange, California. I can even still remember our street address from back then – who knows if it's the same today, as this was well over a decade ago, but I digress. (Me sidetracking and getting slightly off-topic might happen a lot throughout these posts, if you haven't picked up on that yet.) We stayed there until I was about 9 years old. When we did move, the whole concept was new, strange, and unappealing to me. I mean, I had some awesome friends where I was at! The elementary school I went to was great! I was comfortable with everything around me, and the change that happened wasn't welcome. But, being as young as I was, I obviously didn't have any choice. We moved up to a city called Danville, kind of in the Bay Area of California. I even remember throwing a bit of a tantrum the first night that we spent in our new house there. It didn't yet feel like "home" to me. Eventually I learned how to make some new friends, like the school that I would go to, etc. It took some time, but soon Danville started to feel like home.
Of course we moved a little less than a year after that. See, every time that the family moved was directly related to my dad's job. Being in the positions he held during his time with one company (which ended up being bought by other companies, merging, dividing, splitting, doing what knows what – it's business, and I don't claim to fully understand it all) meant that they were very influential in saying where he was most needed. Which, considering the fact that he's now been able to retire, ended up working out very well for him. In the meantime, we ended up taking trips across the country a few times, not necessarily planting any permanent roots wherever we went but definitely sowing seeds.
So from Danville we moved up to a town called Bellingham, Washington. For those who have lived in western Washington, they've probably heard of it before; it's pretty dang close to the Pacific Ocean, and right on the path for those heading up to that part of Canada. We ended up staying for three years, again making a lot of friendships and enjoying our time there. It initially seemed like we might be staying there for a good while, as we had a house built big enough for our whole family instead of trying to find an already existing house to move into. (And that house was AWESOME, by the way. The driveway was its own sledding hill during winter!) But again, because of how my dad's job went, the time came for us to pack up and head out.
This time was a little different, though. We ended up moving back to Danville, less than a couple miles away from the house we lived in the first time we were there. His company thought it most convenient for what he was doing to be in the Bay Area again, and since we had enjoyed Danville so much the first time we were there it just worked out. I got to meet up with a bunch of my old friends from there and really develop some of the friendships I'd barely started by the time we left the first time. And make plenty of new ones, especially since I was just starting high school by the end of our second time there.

So, to recap, in my ages:
Birth - about 2: Santa Maria, CA
About 2 - 9: Orange, CA (it's called the City of Orange, located within Orange County)
9 - 10: Danville, CA
10 - 13: Bellingham, WA
13 - 14: Danville, CA

"But Marshall! That can't be everywhere you've lived! There's a HUGE gap between when you were 14 and now!"
Is that what you're thinking? I bet it is. I'm just pausing the story for now, and I'll continue the journey in my next post.



No new movies since last time; I'm working on watching the ones I own and still haven't seen. That, and there are a couple movies I'd like to see in theaters soon, including Ender's Game (coming out this week ohmygoshI'msoexcited!!!!) so I'm refraining from purchasing hard copies of movies for a bit so I can see them as they come out.
On a semi-related note, I've mentioned the X-Men movie franchise before, and a trailer came out recently for the next one in the series, Days of Future Past:

Already being a fan of the ones that have come before, this just looks amazing. I've always been fascinated with certain aspects of time travel (and I've had a couple in-depth discussions with my dad about it... let's just say be ready to have a good long conversation if you ever bring it up with him!), and from what I can read about the story here (minor spoiler alert) I can already tell that I'll enjoy this.

The Plight of the Provo Bachelor: The Friendzone

Imagine if you will: another dimension beyond that which is fully understood by man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between friend and boyfriend, between acquaintance and confidante, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. But this is no dimension of imagination; this is a new dimension of reality. It is an area which we call... the Friendzone.

This is a term that has arisen and become quite popular over the last few years in dating society. It's hardly ever used with a positive connotation (if EVER used with a positive connotation), and even though it might not be an official word, it's become used enough that it's listed in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Friendzone.
I write it as one word, some people write it out as two, but either way I believe the meaning is conveyed. According to the linked definition, it was used as early as 1994 in an episode of "Friends." Here's the clip:

Now, for Ross and Rachel, they ended up putting this "friendzone" nonsense behind them and getting together once and for all (after 10 seasons or something like that – I was never an avid fan of the show, but I'm familiar enough with it to know the characters and get references from it).

Numerous people have tried explaining exactly what the friendzone is and how to get out of it. Because, for some reason, it seems to be a lot more common of a problem now than it was years ago. Rhett and Link, some Youtube personalities, made a parodic advice video for single guys about this very subject:

Their advice is comedic and semi-enlightening in the beginning as to what the friendzone is, and this one from another internet personality named Vsauce has garnered a lot of attention since its original posting in January. His video is not so comedic as it is informative, explaining the science behind the friendzone. What I'm going to write about is the perspective of what it's actually like from someone in the friendzone. Because Rhett and Link are both married, and this Vsauce (who I'll admit I don't know much about) seems to not explain at all what the guy actually goes through when he's friendzoned either because he wanted to appear objective or he's never been there himself.
Now, I'm not saying up front that girls are the only ones to friendzone, nor do all of them do so. Guys can do it as well. But, like most things I rant about, this is all from my perspective: things I see and experience. What I've seen, experienced, and heard from other guys is that it happens a lot more one way than another.

First off: it flat-out isn't an enjoyable place to be. The girl you like treats you rather indifferently even though you're wanting to pursue more than just a friendship. She may complain to you about how frustrating it is to try and date other guys, with none of them working out. She can even talk about dates she's gone on as if you're not even there. (Really, she knows you're there, but disregards the feelings you have for her.)

Now, this isn't to say she ignores you. Apparently the friendzoners still want to keep you around, despite not wanting a level of commitment. I've gone on what I thought were dates before, with multiple girls, only to find out that the girl I was with at the time had no romantic feelings for me and just liked spending time with me, "valuing the friendship we had." It's a common line for them to use. And it's essentially a death sentence.

It's a game they play, and I really hate being on the losing side time and time again. I feel like I try to make it fairly obvious that I like them, without explicitly stating "I like you and want to pursue a relationship with you." I spend a lot of my free time with them, I go out of my way to help them with the favors they need, I remember their birthdays or special occasions... All for naught. Probably the worst example of this was when I drove one girl around from store to store, spending most of the day together – all so she could buy birthday presents for the guy she actually WAS dating. (Not me, if that wasn't clear.) Yeah. Pathetic on my part.

Don't get me wrong, though. I do enjoy spending time with girls. Often there are things I can relate with them better than I can with other guys. And I'm certain that that's the way it's supposed to be; a man and a woman are different so that they can eventually complete each other. Guys and girls think in completely different ways, and I've been trying to speak this other language for years. At times I'm able to understand it, comprehend their signals and subtle hints. But most of the time it's just plain illogical.
Sometimes I do have to come out and say that I like them. The most recent time that I did so wasn't under the most pleasant of circumstances to begin with, but in any case I ended up telling her. Almost immediately, she got on the defensive about it, saying that she didn't mean to lead me on, didn't want to come off like that, didn't want to give the impression that she liked me. (From my perspective, she did give that impression. Many times we had gone out one-on-one, including a time that she invited me over to make milkshakes, once when we got pizza together, going out to a nickelcade, a couple bike rides, getting snow cones... She didn't have to keep saying yes to the times I asked her out or keep inviting me [and just me] to do things with her, especially if she wasn't interested.) Oh, and of course there was the line that she "still thought we were best friends."
Seriously: if I'm one of her "best friends," and loves spending time with me, then why wouldn't she want to pursue a relationship?!
I mean, you're supposed to marry your best friend, right? That's what I want, at least! That's how I've understood it, from what I've seen of my friends who have gotten married! And I know she hates the "dating game" as much as I do, but it's just mind-blowing to see the disconnect here. This same process has happened more than once: I like a girl; she likes [at least] spending time with me; we both don't want to keep dating around; yet she doesn't want to get into a relationship! I feel like I'm missing something here.
Because of the friendzone, guys get ousted. They get left alone. They're basically ignored. Even though they want that chance to provide exactly what she's looking for, he's just the friend. Just the guy that listens. Just the guy that gets used for favors.

Am I complaining? Yeah. Am I justified in doing so? I think so. This "friendzone" nonsense drives guys like me crazy. I'm not saying that I want to get married right away, and I'm not trying to single anyone out with this. I'm saying that friendzoning happens way too often in our society, even without some people realizing it. I'm saying I know what I want – which is eventually marriage – and to get there I need to date. Not just "hang out," not just "be friends," but date. I know it's not meant to be complicated; I've dated girls in the past, so obviously I've had success before, but nowadays it's ridiculous.



New movies! X-Men: First Class. Now I own all of the X-Men movies that have been released so far, with the exception of The Wolverine (which I think still needs to come out on DVD). It's a series I've enjoyed a lot so far, and I'm really looking forward to Days of Future Past next year. I also got Fight Club (haven't seen it yet, will soon) and In Time (seen it a couple times).

I've used this one on here before, but it actually kinda fits here as well, strictly in the context of this post.

Current Musical Delights

I've written before about music, so I don't think this post will be too long. Just wanted to share some songs that I've recently found that are on repeat in my music library.

First up is "Monster" by Imagine Dragons. Supposedly this isn't on any album yet, but instead from the new game Infinity Blade 3:

Next up is "It's Time," also by Imagine Dragons, but an acoustic version that they did for SXSW:

Then there's "Wake Me Up" by Avicii. (I think it's pronounced "ah-vee-chee.")

A current favorite of Maroon 5, this is "Daylight":

This is just a lyric video, but if you've got time to watch the one that they did for something called "The Daylight Project" (it's about 10 minutes long) it's worth a look.

"Charlie Brown," by Coldplay, might not be the most popular song off their newest album, but it's pretty awesome in my book:

And last is one more by Imagine Dragons. "Demons":

Music is something I can always enjoy because, like I wrote in one of my last posts, there's a lyric, chord, something in it that just connects with me. Resonates with me, if you'll excuse the slight musical pun. Also like movies, my music collection is always growing, so if you've got suggestions of songs to listen to I'm open for most anything.

No new movies yet, but a couple more GIFs:

I'm all for irony.

Haven't actually seen this movie. Yes, I know what it's from.

Neil Patrick Harris is always awesome. Dancing with Elmo only makes him more so.

What keeps me up at night

For years, I've had trouble going to sleep at a decent hour. Tonight is no exception. (I'm starting this at 2:15 AM local time, Wednesday morning, and who knows when I'll finish.) Many a time it's because there's one last thing that I feel like I need to take care of. Sometimes it's because I slept during the day, thereby causing myself to not actually be tired once night comes around. Once in a while it's because I drink something caffeinated, or some chimarrão (that maté stuff found in Brazil). Pretty much every time, though, no matter what it is that originally makes me stay awake, my thoughts start flying. And then swooping around, coming back and landing on a singular subject. Once they get to that subject, they start revving up again, speeding down the runway and taking off once more.
A few people who I've talked to over the years know what I'm talking about. I don't actually like to talk explicitly about it because of its nature, and because of certain events that have happened because of it. I hate to be a tease about this, but I won't be talking about it in this post, explaining what this problem of mine is. Suffice it to say for now that it's been an issue in my life for almost a decade. It's something I think about nearly every day, most often at night, when I'm alone, and all the thoughts I have turn to this issue. Why it happens. How I can solve it. If I can solve it. How to bury it, once and for all.
If I can bury it.

I need to bury this part of me, get rid of it, extract it from my life and be done with it forever... I think. There are two major ways to solve this issue, one that has a seemingly happy ending (from where I currently stand) and another which will end with... well, a not as happy one. Right now the more plausible one is the latter, but part of me wants that happy ending.
And who doesn't want a happy ending, right?

Right?

Part of the issue is that not all of the choices that need to be made rely on me. And it's not like I can go tell the necessary parties involved with this issue to "make up their minds" so that I can finally let this thing go – I can't change people, I can't make up their minds for them. No one can do that for someone else. That's not part of human nature. We all have our agency, our ability to think and act on our own. As kids, yeah, we've got our parents who heavily influence our actions and teach us what to do. But ultimately, we still have that option to do what we want. (I was the victim of many a time-out when growing up, but in retrospect they were all of my own doing.) As adults, we're out here, virtually on our own, and we have even more options than we can count. So many of us do what we always think is best.
For me, my problem is that I'm so heavily torn between certain options that it tears me apart. I don't really show it, I'll admit; talking to me, I'll be pleasant, I'll ask how you're doing, I'll show genuine interest. The reason I do that is because I love to distract myself from my own problems. My own thoughts that haunt me every night. My joy comes from helping others figure out their own lives, because I get to forget about the things that have scarred me over the years. My problems are put aside as I help others, as I do my best to understand what they're going through and be a support for them.

I've always compared it to how I love playing with Legos. Let me explain:

With Legos, whenever you get a new set of them, there's always an instruction booklet that tells you how to "really" put it together. I always do so, usually within the first few minutes of bringing home the set (or if it's a gift, within a few minutes of opening it up from its wrapping). I play with it for a while, admire it, maybe compare it to some other sets I've received over the years (or if I get multiple sets at once, play with them at the same time). And yes, I'm 23 years old and still play with Legos. Not ashamed of it. After a while with the set being put together the way it's "supposed" to be... I take it apart. I mix in other pieces from my collection. I make it cooler, more functional, better than it was before. I eventually mix it all in with my entire collection so it can do the same for future sets. For those who haven't seen what I've got, it's pretty dang big. They're all sorted by color, or what kind of pieces they are, or if they're meant to be part of a special set, etc. I'd spend hours every week trying to sort them all out, then getting distracted by one or two unique pieces, then going off and building entire castles and armies when I should have been just putting them all away in the first place. My mind would always have these ideas that would be more elaborate, more creative – again, just better than the ideas before.
Making the analogy relevant: this issue is a Lego set that has about 100,000 pieces. Yeah, that big. And, unlike the "sets" that I deal with when helping others, it's a set all for me. Because of how long I've "had" this "set," I've become intimately familiar with it. I know it well, I know how to put it together to make it the "right" way. I don't necessarily need the instruction booklet to know how to put it together. I've done it, over and over and over again, even doing it just in my mind. But my problem with this set is that... I don't know what else to do with it. I don't know if it's the kind of set to keep around and admire, making it unique from all of my other sets in that fashion, or to start treating it like my other sets. Take it all apart, put it together in new ways, add in pieces from past sets, and eventually mix it in with everything else. I mean, I'd like to do the latter, because that's what I'm used to doing. I've done it time and time again. Why should this set be that much different from the ones I've had in the past?

Again, I've had this set for a long time. And I have yet to do with it what I've done with all the others. It's honestly one of my favorites, and I almost don't want to ruin the fun that is putting just this together.
I think of it as fun when not actually doing it. But have you ever put together a Lego set that has a few hundred pieces? It takes a freaking long time!! I've spent more than a few hours on just one set before, and I don't think I've ever had one that was over 2,000 pieces. (I got a Harry Potter castle once... that was probably one of the biggest I ever got.) This set, this monstrosity of a set, with the size that it is, I've taken years to get used to putting together and taking apart. I've become attached to it. It is part of me, it is part of who I am, it is what makes me... well, me.

Reminder: the issue isn't an actual Lego set. If it was, I doubt that I'd actually even be writing about it. I'd be able to just take the set apart and move on with my life. And get a new set to fuss over. All of the above is just an analogy (see side picture – I'd be doing that in real life if I were talking) for what my real issue is. I never imagined when I was younger that I'd be using my toys to explain my situation – at least, never in this way – and I certainly never imagined myself to be in this situation. I don't think anyone would ever expect, hope, or plan to be in this situation. From the perspective of someone who's been in it for a good while now, it isn't fun or enjoyable at this stage. It's more of a burden than anything else. I'm not joking when I say it haunts me sometimes. It's in my daily thoughts, it's in my nightly dreams, it's been an influence for some of the actions and big decisions in my life. And, sadly, it's affected others in ways that haven't ended particularly well, mostly because of how long it's been an issue for. If I had the chance to go back in time and stop myself from ever starting this issue in the first place, I'm not sure that I would. Because I have learned a lot from it. It's been a painful process, but not one without any sort of positive outcome. It's brought me occasional rays of sunshine.

Dear reader, thank you for taking the time to read through this. You didn't have to. I don't mean to draw a great amount of attention to myself through this blog; mostly it's a place for me to write, because that's the best way I have to express myself and vent. When talking out loud, I stutter when trying to explain this whole thing. I literally get dizzy from the stress it sometimes causes. If you feel like you'd like to know more about what this issue is, you're welcome to ask me about it in a personal, private conversation. I'll be open and honest, if you're someone who's actually read this far. Just be ready for me to take about an hour to go over it all, because often times the details are what make stories worth hearing.

3:40 AM when finishing this up. Not too bad, especially comparing it to how long it took me to actually publish my last post. I wrote this one almost nonstop, with minor editing here and there. Again, to end on a happier note than the overall tone of this post, here are some random GIFs:

No new movies since the last post. I need to start working on actually watching the ones that I have...

EDIT: I did sleep for a little bit, but I ended up waking up at 6:13. I'd been dreaming about thunderstorms. Go figure.

The Plight of the Provo Bachelor

So I've been living in the city of Provo, Utah, for over three years now. And I like it. I really do. So when I rant about this topic, dear reader, please don't suggest that I try moving somewhere else in order to "solve my problem." This is where I'm going to school, this is where I'm putting down some roots, this is a convenient location close to my family – for those and numerous other reasons, here is where, for now, I'm meant to be.

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One subject comes up over and over in discussion, normal conversation, interviews, classes, the workplace... Pretty much anywhere you go around here, one subject comes up more often than others:

Dating.

Who are you dating?

How long have you been together?

How'd you two meet?

Do you see it going somewhere soon? *wink wink*

And it's understandable in some ways to talk about it so often. My religion is very family-oriented, and since the tradition of arranged weddings isn't a part of our culture, it only makes sense that a marriage (and subsequent family) will come after dating someone for a period of time.

It's getting to that point that's so dang stressful.

I'll admit, I probably think about this subject a lot more than other guys my age, Mormon or not. I've been thinking a lot about it for years. Being a 20-something-year-old student in Provo has only enhanced how often I think about it. This is pretty much the Mormon capital of the world, so families are abound – both young and old, large and small, newly formed or well-established. They show up everywhere. It feels like couples form around me all the time, often between my own friends and I end up being the last one to find out. (Note to my friends: please don't stress over this. Regardless of when I find out, I'm happy for you.)

I've been in relationships before, and while they were going on they were great. However... I'm not in one now. And I'm kinda not understanding why. No, I'm not bragging or boasting, saying that I'm the kind of guy who has to be in a relationship. But... It just seemed so easy before. And I miss it. I don't know if I'm missing something from the last time I was in a relationship, some trick, some key ingredient; is it possibly me, that I'm such a different person than a couple years ago? Am I doing anything radically different? Are the girls I'm meeting and interacting with so different than those from when I got home from my mission (now just over two years ago)? Or, if they're not that different, are they just not interested?

Questions like these come up all the time in my mind. Waaaay too often. After having one weird dating experience after another, I feel pretty justified in asking them. For instance, I went on a date with someone I had met online. From what I perceived, things were going great leading up to the date (chatting online, texting and calling, honestly showing interest in each other), and while it was going on the evening seemed to play out smoothly. I wasn't expecting a TON out of it, as it was only a first date, but what I certainly wasn't expecting was for her "sister" to call and say she needed help at home, causing her to leave partway through the date and then never contact me again. That girl's profile isn't on the site we used anymore, and she never responded when I contacted her by phone, so I have no idea if it was something that I did wrong on the date or if she just got scared of something. Who knows.

Another girl that I was pursuing – for MONTHS – I went out with numerous times. We got to be great friends, had a lot of similar interests, met the family and became friends with them as well. We even had our inside jokes. We connected on a level that I hadn't really felt with anyone previously. But with her, I ended up being nothing more than just a friend. Even after sacrificing a lot just to spend time with her, she let me know that she didn't reciprocate the same feelings for me that I had for her. That friendship is valued, but simultaneously it feels like I wasted a lot of my time with her. Especially when I was asked to help pick out birthday presents for the guy she was dating at the time. THAT was fun...

Most recently, I found out that one girl I took out a couple times (who started dating someone a day or two after she broke up with someone else, and now she's started one of those couples blogs [and they're not even gonna be married for another couple months!], so that's an issue entirely separate from this one) thought that I was taking her out on "pity dates." Those are her words, not mine. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT EVEN MEANS. Why would I go on a date with someone because I pitied them?! If I ask someone out, it's because I am genuinely interested. There may be times where I sympathize with them, try to get to know them better and connect with them emotionally, but I wouldn't do it purely out of pity. What would there even BE for me to pity, if it's a first or second date? I'm still trying to get to know her in the first place!

The idea of simply telling someone you like them has never seemed to work for me either. Around here, it's always got to be some kind of "cloak and dagger" kind of thing – a roundabout, creative, clever way. It's pretty ridiculous at times, and even we know it and acknowledge it. Sure, it can be fun at times, but when you're one of the few trying to stick to the basics and everyone else around you is expecting something completely different, you feel just... lost. Confused. Frustrated, because everything you thought would work just fails, over and over and over and over again. Sometimes it shows signs of pointing to something good, but then it ends up crashing into the ground. Breaking into thousands of tiny pieces. Gah.

There are times that I feel a lot like Nacho in this clip; he's saying that he's happy and satisfied with life, but in reality he's wishing for much, much more:

I'm not calling Nacho Libre a cinematic masterpiece by any means. But one of the reasons I love movies so much is because there's almost always something in them with which I can connect. Jack Black's performance in this scene... You can see, if you watch his facial expressions closely, his concealed pain. The kids and Sister Encarnación don't really pick up on it because he's talking about how much he loves to serve them, but paying more attention to how he says it all reveals much more about what he's feeling.
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*sigh* This post literally took me days to write. Started it on Saturday, finished it on Wednesday and I'll most likely write sequel posts to it in the future based on how my dating life goes or if I decide to write about specific aspects of dating (like friendzoning or flat-out rejections). I debated whether or not I should even post this one because it can come across that I'm complaining too much. (In my defense, no one forced you to read this far. Or at all. If you clicked on the link, then you must have been interested in something I had to say.) Yeah, in some ways I'm complaining – I said at the very beginning that this would be a rant – but it's not like my social life is horrible by any means. For example, Sunday night I was "heart attacked." See the picture below for an explanation.

The picture is blurry, and I apologize for that, but on each of the hearts there were personal notes written about me – some meant to be funny, all uplifting, and written by close girl friends (not girlfriends; note the space there) of mine. And twice within the last month, I've had homemade cookies delivered to me. (No picture for those, I ended up eating them too quickly.) I treasure gestures like this, and keep the little mementos because they honestly mean a lot to me.
Like I said, my social life isn't a complete bust. But there are just times where I feel like... I'm not progressing. It's good, but I wish – I have wished for some time – that I could have more.

To end on a happier note, here are a couple of GIFs from my constantly growing collection:

Have a good day, everybody.


New movies since the last post: The Informant!, Warm Bodies

Movies I own

The thoughts that so frequently inhabit my mind have once again kept me up later than I'd like. Not the best thing to happen to me on a regular basis, especially with school starting up this week, but oh well. I figure, since I'm up anyway and probably not going to be able to sleep for a while, why not make a list of all the movies I own? It'll keep me occupied for a while, and heck, might even make me sleepy by the end of it.
I've thought about what to do if I get more movies in the future. I'll just put notes at the bottom of future posts of all the movies I get in between the times I write.

Not quite at this point yet... But I'm getting there

These are pretty much in alphabetical order, except in the cases where I have collections of sorts. Links are to IMDB if there is a page for it (which, since I'm writing this part before I even list any movies, I'm gonna guess there is for all of them. Let's find out.)
Disclaimer: it's a fairly long list. I rarely buy new movies; most of these I've found at thrift stores, pawn shops, received as gifts, etc. I hate paying $20 or more for a movie when I can find it in good or almost-new quality for a couple dollars or less. Heck, I even managed to get Captain America brand new for a buck!

1. 1408 (seen)
2. 17 Again (seen)
3. 2012 (seen)
4. 21 (seen)
5. 50 First Dates (seen)
6. Accepted (seen)
7. Accidental Spy, The
8. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (seen)
9. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (seen)
10. Across the Universe (seen)
11. Annapolis
12. August Rush
13. Avengers, The (seen)
14. Balls of Fury (seen)
15. Batman Beyond: The Movie (seen)
16. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (seen)
17. Batman & Mr. Freeze: Subzero (seen)
18. Batman (seen)
19. Batman Returns (seen)
20. Batman Forever (seen)
21. Batman & Robin (seen)
22. Batman Begins (seen)
23. The Dark Knight (seen)
24. The Dark Knight Rises (seen)
25. Beautiful Mind, A (seen)
26. Beetlejuice
27. Be Kind Rewind (seen)
28. Benchwarmers, The (seen)
29. Ben-Hur (seen)
30. Bernie (seen)
31. Big Daddy (seen)
32. Big Fat Liar (seen)
33. Big Year, The (seen)
34. Black Dragon (I think this is it)
35. Blades of Glory (seen)
36. Bourne Identity, The (seen)
37. Bourne Supremacy, The (seen)
38. Bourne Ultimatum, The (seen)
39. Bourne Legacy, The (seen)
40. Braveheart
41. Breach (seen)
42. Breakfast at Tiffany's (seen)
43. Bruce Almighty (seen)
44. Bucket List, The
45. Burn After Reading (seen)
46. Cable Guy, The (seen)
47. Captain America: The First Avenger (seen)
48. Casablanca
49. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (seen)
50. Christmas Story, A (seen)
51. Chronicles of Narnia, The: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (seen)
52. Clash of the Titans (1981 version) (seen)
53. City Slickers
54. Click (seen)
55. Cloverfield
56. Clue (seen)
57. Community (disc of first three episodes)
58. Corpse Bride (seen)
59. Count of Monte Cristo, The (seen)
60. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
61. Date Night (seen)
62. Da Vinci Code, The (seen)
63. Departed, The (seen)
64. Dinner for Schmucks (seen)
65. Disturbia (seen)
66. Dodgeball (seen)
67. Doom
68. Dragonball Evolution (seen)
69. Dragon Lord (Pretty sure this is it)
70. Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog (seen)
71. Drillbit Taylor
72. Dumb and Dumber (seen)
73. Dungeons & Dragons
74. Easy A (seen)
75. Enchanted (seen)
76. Enter the Dragon
77. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (seen)
78. Evan Almighty (seen)
79. Face/Off
80. Family Guy Star Wars: Blue Harvest (seen)
81. Family Guy Star Wars: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (seen)
82. Family Guy Star Wars: It's a Trap! (seen)
83. Fantastic Four
84. Fantastic Mr. Fox (seen)
85. Ferris Bueller's Day Off (seen)
86. Fever Pitch
87. Fight Club (seen)
88. Fighter, The
89. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
90. Finding Neverland (seen)
91. Fists of Bruce Lee, The
92. Forrest Gump (seen)
93. Forward Unto Dawn
94. Fun With Dick and Jane (seen)
95. Galaxy Quest (seen)
96. Ghost Rider
97. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (seen)
98. Good Night, and Good Luck
99. Goonies, The (seen)
100. Green Hornet, The (seen)
101. Green Lantern (seen)
102. Hamlet (seen)
103. Hancock (seen)
104. Happy Gilmore (seen)
105. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (seen)
106. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (seen)
107. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (seen)
108. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (seen)
109. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (seen)
110. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (seen)
111. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 (seen)
112. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 (seen)
113. Heavyweights (seen)
114. Hey Arnold! The Movie (seen)
115. Hitch (seen)
116. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The (seen)
117. Holiday, The (seen)
118. Home Alone (seen)
119. Hook (seen)
120. Horton Hears a Who! (seen)
121. Hot Rod (seen)
122. Hot Shots!
123. I Am Legend (seen)
124. Illusionist, The (seen)
125. Inception (seen)
126. Incredible Burt Wonderstone, The (seen)
127. Incredible Hulk, The (seen)
128. Independence Day (seen)
129. Informant!, The (seen)
130. Inglorious Basterds
131. Insidious (seen)
132. In Time (seen)
133. I, Robot (seen)
134. Iron Man (seen)
135. Italian Job, The (seen)
136. James Bond: Goldfinger (seen)
137. James Bond: Casino Royale (seen)
138. James Bond: Quantum of Solace (seen)
139. Jumanji (seen)
140. Juno (seen)
141. Just Friends (seen)
142. Karate Kid, The
143. Karate Kid II, The
144. Karate Kid 3, The
145. Next Karate Kid, The
146. Kicking & Screaming (seen)
147. King Kong
148. Knight and Day (seen)
149. Knight's Tale, A (seen)
150. Knowing (seen)
151. K-Pax
152. Kung Fu Panda (seen)
153. Labyrinth
154. Last Airbender, The (seen)
155. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, The
156. Left Field, The (link to Facebook page) (seen)
157. Limitless (seen)
158. Longest Yard, The (2005 version) (seen)
159. Looney Tunes: Back in Action
160. Lord of the Rings, The: The Fellowship of the Ring (seen)
161. Lord of the Rings, The: The Two Towers (seen)
162. Lord of the Rings, The: The Return of the King (seen)
163. Man in the Iron Mask, The
164. Man of the Year
165. Marley & Me (seen)
166. Mars Attacks!
167. Mask of Zorro, The (seen)
168. Master of Disguise, The (seen)
169. Matrix, The
170. Meet Joe Black
171. Memento (seen)
172. Me, Myself, and Irene (seen)
173. Men In Black (seen)
174. Minority Report (seen)
175. Mobsters and Mormons (seen)
176. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (seen)
177. Mortal Kombat
178. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
179. Mr. and Mrs. Smith (seen)
180. Mr. Deeds (seen)
181. Mummy, The
182. Nacho Libre (seen)
183. Napoleon Dynamite (seen)
184. National Treasure (seen)
185. Necessary Evil: Super-Villains of DC Comics (seen)
186. Nightmare Before Christmas, The (seen)
187. Notebook, The (seen)
188. O Brother, Where Art Thou? (seen)
189. Ocean's Eleven (seen)
190. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (seen)
191. One Night With the King (I know I got it at one point, but can't seem to find the actual disk for it at the moment...)
192. Operation Condor (Wikipedia article; it's a little unclear which one this is in conjunction with the following movie)
193. Operation Condor 2 (Once I actually watch these, I'll make sure the links are right)
194. Other Guys, The (seen)
195. Pagemaster, The (seen)
196. Pajama Gladiator (seen)
197. Paycheck (seen)
198. Pay It Forward
199. Pearl Harbor (seen)
200. Pineapple Express (seen)
201. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (seen)
202. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (seen)
203. Prestige, The (seen)
204. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (seen)
205. Princess Bride, The (seen)
206. Producers, The
207. Project A
208. Project A2
209. Pulp Fiction (seen)
210. Pursuit of Happyness, The (seen)
211. Push (seen)
212. Radio (seen)
213. Rat Race (seen)
214. Red Eye (seen)
215. The Best Red vs. Blue DVD Ever. Of All Time. (seen)
216. Ring, The
217. Ringer, The (seen)
218. Robin Hood: Men in Tights (seen)
219. Rocker, The (seen)
220. Rocky
221. Rocky II
222. Rocky III
223. Rocky IV
224. Rocky Balboa (seen)
225. Salt
226. Schindler's List (seen)
227. School of Rock (seen)
228. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (seen)
229. Scrooged
230. Secondhand Lions (seen)
231. Secret Window (seen)
232. Series of Unfortunate Events, A (seen)
233. Shawshank Redemption, The
234. Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (seen)
235. Sixth Sense, The
236. Social Network, The (seen)
237. Spaceballs (seen)
238. Space Jam (seen)
239. Spanglish (seen)
240. Spider-Man (seen)
241. Spider-Man 2 (seen)
242. Spider-Man 3 (seen)
243. Starsky & Hutch (seen)
244. Star Trek (seen)
245. Supercop
246. Superman/Doomsday
247. Superman
248. Super Size Me (seen)
249. S.W.A.T.
250. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (seen)
251. Taken (seen)
252. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (seen)
253. Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny (seen)
254. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (seen)
255. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze (seen)
256. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles In Time (seen)
257. Ten Commandments, The
258. TMNT
259. Terminal, The (seen)
260. Terminator, The (seen)
261. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (seen)
262. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
263. ¡Three Amigos! (seen)
264. Tommy Boy (seen)
265. Top Gun
266. Tourist, The
267. Tower Heist
268. Transformers (seen)
269. Tron: Legacy (seen)
270. Tropic Thunder (seen)
271. Twilight (seen)
272. Twin Dragons
273. UHF (seen)
274. Unbreakable (seen)
275. V for Vendetta
276. W.
277. WarGames (seen)
278. Warm Bodies
279. War of the Worlds
280. Warner Bros. Home Entertainment Academy Awards Animation Collection (Wikipedia link) (seen)
281. Wayne's World (seen)
282. We Are Marshall (seen)
283. Wedding Singer, The
284. Weekend at Bernie's
285. Westing Game, The (seen)
286. What About Bob? (seen)
287. Wicker Park (seen)
288. Wild Wild West (seen)
289. Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory (seen)
290. Woke Up Dead (seen)
291. X-Men (seen)
292. X2: X-Men United (seen)
293. X-Men: The Last Stand (seen)
294. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (seen)
295. X-Men: First Class (seen)
296. Year One (seen)
297. Yes Man (seen)
298. Young Frankenstein (seen)
299. Zombieland (seen)
300. Zoolander (seen)

Looks like it's mostly the Jackie Chan movies that really gave me trouble... Anyway, I'm pretty sure that's all of them for now. Fun fact: I've only seen most of these movies. There's a fair amount that I've bought because they were highly recommended or talked about by friends, or they're just classics that I figured I should have in my collection anyway. I do plan on watching them all, and like I said I've already seen most of them.

There are still a lot of movies I feel like I should add to my library, so as I stated before I'll include notes about which ones I get in the future. Any recommendations as to what I should add?