Catharsis

ca·thar·sis

 [kuh-thahr-sis]

noun, plural ca·thar·ses [kuh-thahr-seez] 

1.

the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.

2.

Medicine/Medical , purgation.

3.

Psychiatry.

a.

psychotherapy that encourages or permits the discharge of pent-up, socially unacceptable affects.*

b.

discharge of pent-up emotions so as to result in the alleviation of symptoms or the permanent relief of the condition.

There's a decent amount of stuff I watch online on a pretty regular basis. (I don't have cable tv, so actually a good majority of what I watch is online.) One of these things is a daily let's play called Game Grumps, where there are usually two guys just playing video games and being pretty funny while doing so. In the last couple of months, one of the guys from the show, Danny, shared a fairly personal story about his life and how he was able to turn things around. He and Arin (the other guy in this episode) changed tracks greatly from their usual joking selves and went on with the following conversation. (Transcription is edited a bit so that there aren't really any pauses or backtracking, no language, things like that. And keep in mind that Danny is the one talking for most of this, while Arin is focusing more on playing the game at hand, which is what's shown on screen.)

A picture of Danny during one of their live-action sketches

Danny: "We get a lot of letters from people who talk about the fact that they deal with depression, and Game Grumps helps them, and that is just awesome. So…"

Arin: "I mean, it's not awesome that you have depression, it's awesome that we can help."

"Yes. And so I guess I'll share my story, which I've never really told before in any kind of public forum. When I was 18, I got really sick with mono, and I was just laid up for, like, 8 months. I couldn't really get out of bed and it was really, really awful. And I had a really happy childhood, and it was my first experience of real sadness over a long period of time, and I guess it was depression. But then I noticed that even when I got physically healthier, I was still really struggling mentally with a lot of stuff, and suddenly… I don't know, I think that's a tough age, because you know who you are when you're a kid. But you're not a kid anymore. And you don't know how to be an adult yet, and you don't know where you fit into the world…"

"And then you have these constant anxiety attacks about how your kid life is over, and all the stuff you loved…"

"Yeah, and keep in mind that it gets way better, because the more of an adult you become, you're like 'Oh. I can actually really get into this,' and it's super fun, and not that different from being a kid, if you happen to do stuff you love and laugh a lot and stuff.
"So I started noticing that I was just really sad all the time, and having a lot of trouble just getting out of bed in the morning and things were bothering me… Basically the short version of the story is I had obsessive compulsive disorder, and it was undiagnosed and I didn't really know what it was."

"Like, always? Or just then?"

"See, that's the weird thing. Because OCD is not… It's hard to separate from your normal life. It's more just an exaggerated form of what everybody has. Like… how can I describe it… Like if something bad happened to you, and it bothered you, it would bother anybody. But a 'normal' person would get over it in 20 minutes or whatever. But for you it would bother you for weeks. So that's the best way I can explain it; it's just an exacerbated form of your natural personality. So OCD kinda feeds on your imagination, so it's different for everybody. For me, it was that everything in my mind would not stop connecting, I had too many associations happening in my mind. And as a result I couldn't do anything.
"So here's an example: say I wanted to go bike riding right now. When I was struggling with it, my mind would be racing constantly, and I'd have an image in my head riding a bike. And then I'd think of me riding a bike when I was a kid back home. Then I'd start thinking of home. And then I'd start thinking, 'Well, my ex-girlfriend is in my hometown. I don't like my ex-girlfriend, therefore I can't go bike riding.' You know what I mean? My mind would associate everything until it would get to something that made me sad, and then I couldn't disconnect the sad thing from the thing I wanted to do. And as a result I just couldn't do anything."

"I kinda have that… I never really thought about that."

"A lot of people do. It's awful. So there was a period… I almost failed out of school because of it because I couldn't go to my classes, I didn't really leave my apartment for five months, something like that. And I'll never forget, it was the weirdest thing. I was at my friend Adam's house, and I said something, and he just said 'Dude, stop obsessing about that.' And it was one of those weird, unconscious things, and I just randomly typed in 'obsession' into Google search terms or whatever. And all these pages on obsessive compulsive disorder came up, and I started reading about it, and I just immediately started crying, because I was just, 'Oh my gosh, I'm not crazy! I just have this thing!'"

"That's an interesting response to that, too, because a lot of people would hear that and be like, 'I am crazy because I have this.'"

"Oh. no, no. For me, the moment I found out what it was, as soon as it had a name, I had a focal point from which to attack it from. If it's a 'disease,' then it has a cure. You know? But when it was just this nameless thing hanging over my life, it was just really, really tough. That's why I tell people, don't be scared to go to therapy. Don't think of it as a sign of weakness to ask for help if you're feeling sad. Because there are people out there who want to help you and are qualified to help you."

"Yeah, that's the thing, they're qualified. They know what they're doing when it comes to your head. Your friend is gonna listen to you but he's not necessarily gonna give you a) advice or b) good advice."

"Yeah, no question. And so they put me on… I think it was Prozac, and I was supposed to be on it for an indefinite period of time. One of the misconceptions about those types of drugs is that they're 'happy pills'. They're definitely not. They don't make you happy, they just even things out in your mind so you can think clearly and solve your own problems. You have to take the initiative and be like, 'No, I'm not gonna live like this.'"

"Right. It's the same thing with my ADD medicine. I don't need it to function, but I always feel like I can take it for a little bit, and I can get into these good habits, and then when I'm off it I can carry that through."

"Yeah. And it's amazing, because I think back to those times, which now seem so distant, they were over a decade ago, and I'm just so happy now because I know what it's like to be sad. There's the two different kinds of happiness. There's the kid happiness: 'I'm happy because everything's awesome and new and interesting!' And then there's the other happy, the light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel happy, where you're like, 'I had to go through some crap, and I earned this.'"

"The mellow happy?"

"Yeah, the at-peace kind of feeling. So that's the very truncated version of my story. And that's when I went to France as an exchange student, and that really helped me too, going to a totally new place and seeing different environments, and just being like 'Hey, the world isn't what I thought it was. There's a lot more to it that I haven't seen.' And so I had this big… Maybe this is overly dramatic to say, but it is what happened. There was this really pretty lake in the middle of the town I was staying in. I was on Prozac for like six months, and then while I was out there, I was all, 'I don't need this anymore. This is… I just feel good, and I'm done.'"

"Did you throw it?"

"I did. I took the pill bottle and threw it into the lake. It was one of the most satisfying, personal moments. And I've never told anybody that before."

"I would love to have a story like that. My life is so… not that."

"Everybody has their things, man."

"Their catharsis, in one way or another."

"Yeah. I just wanted to share that because so many people have opened up to me since I joined this show."

"So you're returning the favor?"

"Yeah, returning the favor, and also it made me more comfortable doing it myself."

"Oh sure. There was a long time where I was very uncomfortable letting myself out there in the world. Particularly specific communities that I was a part of were very harsh on people about being themselves, or having opinions…"

"You mean like YouTube?"

"Yeah, and particularly like Newgrounds [a site that predates YouTube, and focuses mostly on animation]. I met a lot of my friends from Newgrounds and there was a really tight, cool community, but there were also a lot of extreme jerks. The YouTube stuff… When you read YouTube comments, it's just stupidity. But when you read Newgrounds comments, it's like… These people will follow your work just to wreck you. So that's what I had to deal with for a long time."

"That's just jealousy and insecurity. If you're secure in yourself, there's no reason to dedicate your life to being a jerk."

"For sure, among other things, but certainly that. And so that took me a long time to kinda… And it was really hard to be a comedian too, because I couldn't be honest about myself if I was trying to be this thing that wouldn't get made fun of all the time."

"Exactly. You have to be at peace with what you are and what you wanna be. A lot of people will say 'I'm an aspiring artist' or 'I'm an aspiring writer.' No, you're a writer. If you're doing that every day, that's what you are. Just own it. There's this really cool book called The Artist's Way and it talks a lot about that. Don't be shy about calling yourself an artist. Be proud of that, because that's what you are, and you're not anything until you can proudly declare that you are that, and do it every day. You have something to offer that no one else can bring."

"Yeah. I still value humility quite a lot, but there's a level where it's too far and it holds you back."

"I think it's the difference between proudly announcing it to yourself, and running around being all 'Hey, look, I'm an artist.' Don't get me wrong, don't be stuck up about it. That's really the gist of it."

That's pretty much the last that they talk about that subject in the episode, and in a later one Danny (again, the one who shared the story) ended up getting the camera on himself and gave this follow-up message:

"I just really wanted to say that I've been getting a lot of your letters lately after what I shared in the 19th episode of Wind Waker, and there's just too many for me to read and respond to. It's just been an amazing flood of stuff, and I just wanted to say how grateful I am. Please don't take it personally if I can't respond to all of them; I've tried to do as many as I can, and I'm very moved that me sharing my story had a very cool effect on a lot of you, and that it meant something to you. It meant something to me to share it with you, so that was very cool.
"One thing I did wanna say that someone pointed out that made a lot of sense about the part where I threw my medicine away: that worked out for me, but I'm very lucky it did, and that's not something you should do. If you are in that situation, and you're on medication, and you feel like you're ready to get off it, you should talk to your doctor and make that decision with someone qualified. I got away with something kinda stupid, and I don't want you to make that same mistake.
"We're all in this together, and I'm just very touched that so many of you wanted to share your stories with me, and you're awesome. Thank you very much."

The crew for the Game Grumps channel, along with a few other friends

Over the past years, even from before my mission up until now, I've felt some of the things he's talked about. And I've gotten a great deal of help for my issues by going to see a counselor, starting a little over two years ago. All I want to do with this week's post is echo the words that Danny said: help is out there. Many of us suffer from feelings of depression like his and don't even realize that they can be helped. But they can. There's nothing so damaging, nothing so painful that it can't be alleviated. Even just talking with someone, not bottling it up inside is better than doing nothing about it. And it doesn't have to even be about feelings of depression, either; for anything you might be struggling with, there are certainly people who can help if you just reach out and ask for it. There's a good chance that the help will come faster than you think.

And on that note, I also just want to say that part of the reason I keep watching these guys, aside from the entertainment value, is knowing that they actually do care about their fans like this. They interact as much as they can, they play the games that are sent to them and give shout-outs to the people who send them, and they do make sure to take the time to give good advice from time to time. Not just nonsensical, cheap humor for the sake of a quick buck.



*Yes, this is the right way to use "affect." "Affect" is usually a verb, but the noun version of it means feeling or emotion, whereas "effect" means a result or consequence. Vocab lesson of the day, folks!